A brush with an old sage:

Life's Great Lessons

by Hal Swift

I know it must seem like some of us spend a lotta time settin' around in Shorty's Place, but the company's good, and the sasparilla is first rate.  Plus, with the weather the way it's been lately, it's a good place to be.

Sometimes, though, things get a little slow.  Like, just the other evening, Sioux was at the pianna, playin' "Sweet Betsy from Pike," but she was playin' it as a slow waltz tune, instedda the rousing sing-along way she usually does.       

I was about to say something to 'er like, don't go t'sleep over there, when a shout went up from the folks settin' over by the door.  Sioux stopped playin', and we all looked over where all the noise was comin' from, and we see it's because Charley Walker, the old man from Drytown, has just walked in.

Sioux strikes up "Happy Days are Here Again," and everybody starts laughin' and tryin' to get Charley t'come set with them.  Like the intelligent ol' boy he is, though, he chooses t'come over and set at the table closest to Sioux and the pianna.

Sioux stops playin' and hollers at Shorty to bring over a mug of sasparilla for Charley.  Then, she and I join him at his table, and a bunch of the men and women who've met Charley already, pull up their chairs so they can be close enough to hear what he has t'say.

See?  Charley entertained and educated a whole bunch of us with his wit and wisdom, when he came in here a month or so ago. 

Shorty says, "Here's your sasparilla, Charley.  Hows about tellin' us some more of Life's Great Lessons you've learned along the way?"

Charley takes a long swig of his sasparilla, leans both 'is elbow on the table and begins.  Now... you may remember from their first meeting, Sioux and old Charley hit it off.  He winks at her and says, "Well, never tell a pianna player you've heard somebody else play the last song better than she did."

Sioux laughs out loud and kisses 'im on the cheek.  Charley blushes and says, "Crossing the street in a country where they drive on the left hand side of the road?   You always wanta look to your right before y'step out into the crosswalk."

A couple of Korea War veterans nod their heads, and one says, "Yeah, I learned that when we was in Japan back in 'Forty-nine."

One ol' cowboy pipes up and says, "Whadda you got for us cowpokes, Charley?"

"Well," he says, "never swat a fly on a horse's rear end when standing behind 'im."

Ever'body laughs and says, "Right on, Charley!"

Charley says, "Then, too, always remember... a cow without horns can butt just as hard as a cow with horns.  You just bleed more from one than the other."

The cowboys all laugh like they know exactly what Charley means.

Ol' Vern, a railroad conducter says, "Now, Charley, you can't possibly have anything you'd like to caution us boys about at Union Pacific."

"Just one thing," says Charley.  "Startin' this year, Daylight Saving Time runs from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November.  If you don't remember to set that turnip of a watch you carry back to Standard Time, you're gonna miss your train."

"Dang!" says Ol' Vern.  "I better write that down!"  Which he does.  Along with several other folks there.    

A sheriff's deputy speaks up and says, "How 'bout us lawmen, Charley?

And Charley says, "Well, this ain't for you, but it'll do for some of the folks y'deal with."  Charley grins and says, "When stopped by a traffic officer, never tell 'im you used to date his mother." 

The deputy says, "Now, that's one I'd just love t'hear."    Everybody has a good laugh at that.

A grandmother speaks up.  "How about grandparents, Charley?  Any advice for us?"

Charley scratches 'is head and says, "Well, y'never want to tell a four-year-old you'll tell 'em a bedtime story if you don't know any bedtime stories--specially if you aint' able t'make one up."   

The grandmother laughs and says, "Been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt."   Her husband says, "Yeah, an' she makes me wear it."

An old hardrock miner, name of Johnny, says, "How 'bout us he-men what live out a doors all the time?"

Charley says, "All right.  Never go t'sleep out of doors with honey on your face.  It's still true that you draw more flies with honey than with vinegar."

Ever'body laughs when the miner says, "Yeah, and around here, you'd probably draw a couple'a black bears, too.

 "Okay, one more," says Charley, "a True-Life Lesson I just learned."

 Shorty says, "What's that, Charley?"

"Well," says Charley, y'know, them hawks that've been hangin' out in them juniper trees on the edge of town?" 

Most folks are aware of 'em and they say yeah, they know about 'em.  "Well," says Charley, "I decided to go take a picture of 'em this afternoon."

"What kind'a lesson did that teach you?" says Shorty.

Charley stands up, and heads for the door.  "Just this," he says, "When takin' a picture of a bird in a tree, never stand directly under the limb it's settin' on."

Sioux says, "Awwww, Charley!  I thought you were wearin' a shirt with white polka dots on it!"

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For more on Daylight Saving Time and Standard Time check out this web site

http://www.energy.ca.gov/daylightsaving

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(Ed. Note:  For a closer look at Hal Swift's cowboy poetry, go to http://www.cowboypoetry.com/halswift.htm )

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