[Sam P. Davis, The Quill Driver's Convention, from Short Stories (1886)]

 

The Quill Driver's Council.*

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            The call for a convention of leading newspaper men to take place in this city and arrange a schedule of rates for the New Year, was responded to in a most satisfactory manner. It was the original idea of The Tribune to give the visiting guests the use of its spacious editorial rooms for the convention, supposing that the number of writers who would class themselves under the head of " leading " could be easily accommodated in the allotted space. Early in the week, however, the arrivals were so numerous as to render imperative the necessity of some more ample arrangement.

            The proprietors of the Tribune, feeling that the responsibility of making the affair a success rested upon their shoulders, determined to rent the Mormon Tabernacle for the occasion, regardless of expense. This arrangement was accordingly made with John Taylor, and the sum paid, although enormous is not stated here, as the Tribune is not the sort of a paper to make an ostentatious display of its wealth or parade the largeness of the obligation it has laid upon the newspaper writers of the American Union.

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*Originally appearing in the Salt Lake Tribune and the accuracy of the report has since been seriously questioned by several parties who were present.

THE QUILL DRIVER'S COUNCIL. 151

            The advance guard of the grand army of brains and talent began to arrive early in the week and invade the hotels. On Monday, Murat Halstead, of Cincinnati, arrived with four Saratoga trunks, having telegraphed from Ogden for a private conveyance and a brass band. The Tribune had not expected to receive the guests, but as Mr. Halstead's telegram was personally directed to one of the proprietors, the Careless Orchestra was hastily collected and an omnibus chartered for the occasion. As luck would have it, Joe Medill, of the Chicago Tribune, arrived by the same train, and appropriated all the honors of the reception. On the train, it is said that he handed Mr. Halstead a short-bit under the impression that he was the porter of the car. Coming up on the bus, Mr. Jackson confidentially informed the driver that he had been sent for, to preside over the journalistic convention, and that his opening speech would ring in the ears of succeeding generations for all times. These two journalists put up at the Walker House, both calling for front rooms, and demanding them at the same price that ordinary people pay for inside rooms on the garret floor.

            Next day there was a lively pattering of arrivals. Frank Pixley, the olla-podrida writer of the Argonaut, reached the borders of Utah in a special car, kindly placed at his disposal by the managers of the C. P. R. R., and carrying in his pocket his opening speech to the convention, modeled somewhat on the plan of his effort at the Chicago National Convention, but with much of the poetic metaphor and mechanical moonshine eliminated. The common passenger car which Mr. Pixley allowed to be attached to his sleeper, brought along General McComb, the fashion writer of the Alta, Patrick Murphy, of the Post, and Hugh Mohan, delegate at large.

152      SHORT STORIES.

            At Ogden, George Gorham, of the National Republican, attempted to board Pixley's private car, and was ordered out at the point of a six-shooter. On Mr. Gorham's offering to put some of Mr. Pixley's friends in the Mint, the latter fell upon his neck and feelingly asked if Boss Carr was in good health, and how Mr. Sargent's cold was getting on. The two rode into Salt Lake together. On the same train was Dr. Miller, of the Omaha Herald, little Rosewater, of the Bee, St. A.D. Balcomb and a number of other Nebraska journalists in home-spun breeches. Dr. Miller was met at the depot by John Taylor's private conveyance, and whirled up to the Amelia Palace. A crowd of Iowa, Missouri and Southern California journalists arrived later in the day on an emigrant train, and were at first mistaken for a batch of converts from Scandinavia and Norway. The police notified the citizens to look out for their hen-coops, and the clothing dealers took in their ulster overcoats which had been placed on the sidewalks for purposes of display, etc. By this prompt action, a large amount of property was saved.

            Bill Nye, of the Laramie Boomerang, arrived on a construction train over the new narrow-gauge road, having traveled to the connecting point on snow shoes through the wilds of Wyoming. His gripsack contained naught but a pack of cards (with the pedros missing), a bottle of Laramie fire-water, a family Bible and a few religious ballads, written on the way. He tool a back room at Auer & Murphy's, on the first floor, with Lock Melone, of the Californian.

            On Thursday Bob Burdette, of the Burlington Hawk-eye, M. Quad, of the Free Press, Jacob Strauss, The "Fat Contributor," "Old Si," (Atlanta Constitution),

THE QUILL DRIVER'S COUNCIL. 153

and the Texas Siftings and Norristown Herald men reached the city in a freight car, chartered at Chicago. On the evening train were Charles A. Dana and Whitelaw Reid. The latter was arrayed in a beautiful velvetine coat, presented to him by Jay Gould, with collar to match. His long hair, falling in wavy masses over his shoulders, filled everybody with admiration, and the street gamins applauded as he passed, supposing him to be Buffalo Bill or Captain Jack Crawford.

            Deacon Smith, of Cincinnati, arrived in a most unostentatious manner.  His long white hair gave him a Saintly appearance which led many to suppose that he was a bishop of the Mormon Church. His grip sack, which was carefully examined by a Tribune interviewer, contained a pair of cotton socks, with the trademark not yet washed out, and a few photographs of the Red Stocking Blonde Troupe.

            Loring Pickering of the Call, walked in, not caring to risk the prospective casualties of the cars. A number of Nevada journalists, armed with sixteen-inch bowie knives and the latest pattern of revolvers, arrived on a special train. They were mostly drunk, and when on the street, were generally taken for the Danite Band on parade.

THE CROWD.

            On Friday morning there was an informal meeting of the vast crowd in the Tabernacle. Those who came first took seats upon the elevated platform near the grand organ. As a matter of course, Marcus Boruck, of the Spirit of the Times, appropriated the first throne, usually occupied by John Taylor, leader of the Saints. Col. Medill attempted to displace him, but Boruck held his ground and Medill was obliged to content himself with the second post of honor. Gen. McComb of the Alta,

154      SHORT STORIES.

jammed himself into the third seat of honor, after roundly cursing Boruck and Medill for their sublime cheek. Murat Halstead, arriving a little late and seeing the pulpits occupied, unhesitatingly climbed up to the organ and played an opening voluntary. By this time the vast building was filled with representatives from all portions of the American Union,—a motley gathering of broken down Bohemians, redolent of cheap gin and tick whisky ; sallow-visaged telegraph editors who for a quarter of a century had passed the greasy manifold paper of the Western Union ; scowling heavy-browed editorial writers who sat in the galleries like a number of roosting owls ; metropolitan news gatherers who had wallowed all their lives in the filth of municipal politics, and waded up to their noses in the sewers of crime, scandal and miscellaneous iniquity ; and a sad and melancholy array of brilliant paragraphers whose business it was to keep the nation grinning from day to day.

            After a committee of five hundred had requested Mr. Halstead to discontinue his mauling of the organ, the committee on permanent organization submitted their report.

THE PERMANENT OFFICERS.

            The committee reported that they had concluded to harmonize the Convention by appointing a representative from the Great West, and had fastened upon Bill Nye as that man. The announcement was received with a roar of approbation from the general mob, after which Orpheus C. Kerr rose and filed a formal protest against the selection, and there was a scene of general confusion.

            The following resolution was read :

            Resolved, That the credentials of Orpheus C. Kerr be

THE QUILL DRIVER'S COUNCIL. 155

not recognized, the holder belonging to a past era of American humor.

            Passed by a standing vote.

            The committee on permanent organization further reported that after selecting Harry Shellman, of Wit and Wisdom, the New York receptacle of American made jokes, as secretary, they had concluded to dispense with the rest of the officers, partly because no one could be found who would accept secondary positions and partly because they didn't need them anyhow.

BILL NYE'S SPEECH.

            Mr. Nye then marched to the elevated pulpit and without any manuscript or artificial support, spoke as follows :

            Fellow Journalists.—In accepting the somewhat responsible position of presiding elder of this Conference, I do so with a full knowledge of its responsibilities and emoluments. I hold the profession of journalism to be a most honorable one. How many road-agents and burglars, seeing how editors are enriched and elevated by the public, have laid aside their shotguns, masks and dark-lanterns to take charge of daily newspapers and tread the sweet, sequestered paths of moral reform ! I know a man in Colorado who used to stay out all night, away from his beautiful home, to wreck railroad trains and go for the express car; and after four years hard work, lying out in swamps and buying off sheriffs, he only saved up a hundred and seventeen dollars. He finally started a newspaper and attempted to reform the corporation. In six months they paid him $20,000 to quit, and elected him to a fat office beside.

            I only relate this to show that virtue is its own inevitable and sure reward, and to keep those of you who con-

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template leaving the staid, respectable tripod and treading the alluring paths of vice and sin, to pause right where you are until the deal comes your way. The bird of time has but a little while to flutter, and is on the wing. It isn't always necessary for a newspaper man to define his position. If he can keep it he is doing well enough. If you can't all marry heiresses, hold fat offices and be owned by Jay Gould, you can lay back on your own self-consciousness and creditors, and go up in a blaze of glory and mortgages, on a basis of sixteen cents on the dollar. Of course I am only alluding to the down-trodden, ragged-coated, over-worked and impecunious slaves of the lamp in the East, and not to the wealth-hampered, luxury-sodden, effete caperers to the pleadings of the corporation loot in the mighty and indolent West, where the aggressive sack chases the editor home at night and is about his path, sleeping or waking, like a roaring lion seeking whom it may devour. Before I close, I wish to say an appropriate word or two in this appropriate place on tithes. Since I've been standing in this velvet pulpit, the magnetism of the place has begun to steal over me, and the spirit of revelation is upon me. I hear a spirit from the depths of chaos, surging through the canyons of eternity and calling upon me to collect tithes from this vast concourse of mediocrity and vanity. It will take about ten per cent. of your accumulated earnings for the past year to send me out of town in the shape that my creditors require. I'd like to inaugurate a general feeling of content in the hearts of those men before I leave and make the hearts of some of my Laramie friends glad. By accepting this revelation in the true spirit of holiness and credulity, you can do a great work in Israel and Colorado. If I am not in at the Walker House, leave

THE QUILL DRIVER'S COUNCIL. 157

the money with the clerk or throw it over the transom of room 856. I now call this Convention to order and will proceed to business.

THE PLATFORM.

            The platform of the Convention was then presented :

            The newspaper writers of the United States in mass Convention assembled, have reached the conclusion that the bolstering up of decayed politicians and the elevation to office of nondescripts, nonentities and frauds of various descriptions is an overt act of foolishness on the part of everybody connected with journalism.

            WHEREAS, The press has become the hurdy-gurdy of politicians, the spittoon of the mining interest and the boot-jack of the theatrical profession, and

            WHEREAS, It blazes the way of civilization and goes to blazes for its recompense : therefore be it

            Resolved, That a new leaf be turned over for the New Year, and all parties wishing to make use of the lever that moves the world be requested to put up in advance.

            The following planks in our platform are presented for consideration :

            We recognize the necessity of a protective tariff on jokes that home-made American humor may be encouraged.

            That the importation of French jokes, translated and adapted to various localities is a delusion and a snare.

            That the practice of reproducing the heavy jokes of the English press, with illustrations, is calculated to bring on a war with Great Britain.

            That a sufficient tax be placed on all jokes relating to putting up stoves, men coming home drunk, bachelors throwing bed-room furniture at dogs, servant girls blow-

158      SHORT STORIES.

ing themselves up with kerosene oil and pedestrians slipping up on tomato peels, to keep them out of the market.

            That all attempt on the part of theatrical people and mining experts to keep themselves before the public be shut down on.

            That the banquets to actors and the accounts of their enormous earnings sent by the Associated Press, only be printed in the telegraph columns after they whacked up some of the aforesaid earnings with the advertising clerk.

            That the same rule apply to Anna Dickenson's pants and Fanny Davenport's tights.

            That the headaches and lame back of Clara Morris cease to be a subject of editorial comment.

            That interviews with Mary Anderson regarding her beautiful dresses and swarms of lovers be charged for at the rate of $100 a column in advance.

            That burning hotels in which Kate Claxton is interested be allowed to burn and be hanged to 'em.

            That the cost of Maud Granger's dresses be no longer telegraphed across the continent, unless accompanied by the Granger check—a new Granger movement never yet heard of.

            That the paste diamonds worn by "Alvin Joslin" be hereafter ignored, except at regular advertising rates.

            That mining experts be interviewed only after the paper has gone to press.

            That all reports regarding Jim Keene's stock-dealing successes on Wall street be pitched into the waste basket. That the same course be pursued regarding the amounts of money he is supposed to win at English horse races.

            That the movements of British noblemen remain un-

THE QUILL DRIVER'S COUNCIL. 159

noticed, except when they are in jail for confidence operations.

            That we all quit patting millionaires on the back for giving five per cent of their stealings to charitable and scientific institutions.

            That Gould, Vanderbilt and Sage be allowed to sneeze unmolested for a couple of months.

            That Dr. Carver, Sergeant Bates, Capt. Boyton, Edison, and the Keely Motor man be quietly allowed to drop out of sight for the present.

            That obituary poetry be frowned down; that "Beautiful Snow" be tabooed in all newspapers having a circulation of over 300.

            That Henry Ward Beecher, DeWitt Talmage, the Boy Preacher, Moody and Sanky, Horace White, of the Chicago Tribune, and "Gath," of the Cincinnati Enquirer, be considered as closed for repairs.

            [The reading of this clause was received with prolonged cheering.]

            That editors of theological weeklies be prohibited from selling theatrical passes at half price.

            The platform was adopted without amendment by vox hilarium vote.

FOR THE GOOD OF THE ORDER.

            McEwen, of Nevada, spoke in favor of a college being provided somewhere in the United States, where telegraph operators could learn to write in the English language. The hat was passed around and $200,000 raised on the spot. Whitelaw Reid was in favor of having a department in the college where journalists, during their leisure hours, could learn the aesthetic accomplishments, such as music, drawing, poetry, the painting of

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dados on plaques, and the higher grades of crochet work. Carl Schurz, of New York, endorsed Mr. Reid's views. He himself was a good piano player, and the execution of one of Mozart's Requiems he thought bettered the quality of one of his editorials. Joe Medill, of Chicago, rose to ask if he had not lost the music of Mozart and taken up Chopin several years ago. Schurz' rejoinder was lost in the confusion which inevitably followed.

JOKES FOR THE NEW YEAR.

            The editor of the Springfield Republican spoke for two hours on the pressing need of some new jokes for the American people for the coming year. The Hawkeye man announced that he had an assortment of new jokes for 1882, which had been made with a view to durability and general utility rather than gaudy display. The timber came from the gang-plank of Noah's ark, and he was prepared to sell them to almanac makers and minstrel shows at reduced prices. Country newspapers furnished with specifications at living rates.

            C. W. Penrose, the editor of the Deseret News, rose and submitted some samples of Mormon fun. He read some side-splitting descriptions of the digging up of Mosaic tablets in New Mexico, and miracles performed by polygamous tramps in Wisconsin and Wales, such as saving life and restoring sight by the laying on of hands. During the reading, the Convention was convulsed to the echo, and the hilarity was of the most boisterous description. A gold medal was struck off on the spot, as a recognition of the talents of the great humorist. Sermons of Taylor, Cannon and others of the Twelve Apostles were equally well received.

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            Nym Crinkle, who had just arrived from New York, presented his credentials, but was refused on the ground that he was not a naturalized citizen. He had no certificate, but presented the following testimonial :

OFFICE OF THE )

NEW ORLEANS MINSTRELS. )

            To the Public:

            This is to certify that we have used Mr. N. Crinkle's jokes for over forty years, and that although they have seen constant service, they are very little the worse for wear. Their effect is instantaneous on any audience, and they are adapted to stand any climate. His prices are moderate, and the lack of startling or unexpected effect makes them popular with audiences of women and children. The smallest minds can grasp and enjoy them ad libitum.

MAX STRAKOSCH,

Of Oskosh, Agent.

            Immediate action on the case was postponed.

            By a standing vote it was resolved to send the following dispatch to Mark Twain :

Mark Twain, Hartfort:

            If you have any more of Dan De Quille's jokes on hand that you have no use for please ship them C. O. D. to the New York World office.

THE COMMITTEE.

            The following reply was received :

Committee Salt Lake Convention :

            The trade marks being still on the jokes, no one has the nerve to use them but myself and John T. Raymond. The latter is paying me a heavy royalty for the same.

MARK TWAIN.

            33 words collect.

            The proposition to get up a new set of jokes for the ensuing year was voted down on the ground that the Eastern public was not prepared for a radical change.

            Mr. Colnon, of the Stockton Mail, and Ed. Townsend, of the San Francisco Call, and Frank Gross of the Post,

162      SHORT STORIES.

were appointed a committee to hold an autopsy upon a Greek pun which had appeared from time to time in the Hartford Courant and Boston Globe since 1856.

            Some funny obituary poetry from the pen of G. Wash. Childs of the Philadelphia Ledger, was read and much appreciated.

            A motion by Ruf. Shoemaker, of the Grass Valley Tidings, to hang Hazlett, the "Pilgrim Tramp," was seconded 'by over seven thousand voices at once, and a blast from the organ.

            There being no further business, or the Convention feeling that it had done enough, Major Dennis of the Tuscarora Times-Review, pending the motion to adjourn, thanked The Tribune for paying the hotel bills and railroad fares of the delegates. This was finally embodied in a resolution, and the Convention adjourned sine die.